It's been a while since I last wrote something, writers block, too busy or so much to say I was lost for words. I can look back at previous writings and see a woman praying to God for love, hopeful of meeting someone that would love God, put him first, love me, put me second. Without going into detail I met a man, fell in love, married. I was elated that I'd been chosen (as a woman of God), a daughter of the king, to share the rest if my life with a like minded guy. Our relationship had been based on friendship and progressed, it felt like a natural progression when I was asked to become his wife. We approached it with God in our hearts and had counseling, we married in lockdown having known one another for over 2 years..Within weeks it became clear that we were on two different pages and some fundamental differences became apparent. What I say doesn't come from a heart of Judgement, but one of disappointment. There were signs, before, I should have understood caution but, I had it in my head as a blessing and went ahead, despite the niggling warnings I found myself thinking, those doubts that rung in my own ear, which I ignored. My dream had come true, except it hadn't. Very quickly problems arose that honestly rocked me to the core, but my faith is strong and I set about praying every hour of every day that was available to me. I was strong enough for the both of us and could get through anything so long as God was central. Over the coming months, through the realisation that something was very wrong I found myself leaning into God more and more, emotionally and spiritually I felt like I was in battle mode. My relationship with God was and is the only solid I had, the world was hit by covid and isolation was stifling. I, like so many of us felt very much alone. Much of what was happening in my marriage I kept to myself. The day I got married I posted a declaration of being blessed with a relationship of epic proportions, all the relationships in the past were nothing in comparison to the man I was about to marry, boy did I get that wrong, thinking back I wondered if I'd been to arrogant, but of course I know this isn't the case, it was a message, a declaration full of hope. I felt betrayed and shocked at the circumstances I found myself in when I realised that I was the only one in the relationship that wanted to work through the issue's with God in the middle, but at that point, more damage, more problems arose to the extent that it was a one man band leading on the road to nowhere. It takes two people to work at a relationship and for mine I was in it on my own.
It's with some sadness that I say the relationship failed and we parted ways. There is alot of healing that needs to take place, our journey's no longer linked but throughout the process I have learnt how important it is to give things to God. Bitterness and anger are powerful destructive forces which I battled to overcome. We walk in faith, as christ forgives so should we forgive, wow, isn't it hard. As I gave my brokenness and disappointment to God the pain receeded, its as though a cloak of protection was placed over my heart. In the moments of despair and feelings of unworthiness, that constant reminder that I was feeling like a failure, that I wasn't loved, that I wasn't worth enough was replaced by Joy and peace, I'd be wrong to say there wasn't moments of complete frustration and confusion, but that cloak was there. The fruit of the spirit was being harvested.
As I start again, I am determined that I will not put so much into romantic love, for me the only love that I truly trust, which is right for me in this season, is the love of my father in heaven, love from family and church and the joy I experience in the blessings God shares in so many ways.
I am not going to be the lady with 4 failed marriages, yes 4. I am the lady who's identity is not what the world judges me to be but the lady who knows what it is to survive, who puts her trust in the one constant that never as nor ever will let me down.
For those out there who's hearts desire is driven to marry, I say this too you. Is your partner all out for God, do they pray with you, tell you everything, do they live and speak the fruits of the spirit. Are their feet in gods camp or have they got one foot in the world. Don't be blind to what their actions and words are telling you. Do they respect you, do they honour you, do they think of you first, do they listen and respond. Is God more important than even you. I'm an advocate of a successful marriage, I'm a romantic at heart. I love a good lovestory. For me my love story didn't turn out the way I expected, but it did teach me that Jesus is my constant. He is the gauge setter, he is the example of what love, honour, compassion and respect is about so I'm confident that he will always be enough. Pray for those who hurt you. It helps, if it's too hard, pray for help to pray. Ask help to be able to forgive so you can be free of the hurt. For those who are experiencing or have experienced the same or can relate to what I have written, Jesus is our living hope. If you need to talk you can contact me via message or email. I'm hear for you. God bless