I'm going to talk about the D word today. I don't know about you but I've come to realise I've been battling periods of depression for most of my life but never put it in those terms.
I have felt overwhelmed in recent months,. The loss of my job just before Christmas, the threat of losing my home, the failure of my marriage, the loss of a loved one and the unhealthy relationships where you realise the people who declare themselves to be your friend are anything but that and to top that off the barage of negative slants, and abusive behaviours that can often be so hurtful I'm left feeling incapable of even speaking. I go dumb and all I want to do is be anywhere but here. How many of us are familiar with these words. How many times in a lifetime do we go through so many hurts and traumas. When I was young my bounce back was quick, but as the years go by it becomes tiresome doesn't it.
That neccesity to deal, when everything falls to pieces around me this is where the real battle starts. That's when I fight to feel better, to hang on with every ounce of strength I have but Iknow I cannot do it alone.....I spend my time talking to Jesus, alot, I'm delicate and fragile and I can only focus on him if im going to get through, I read the word of God and I'm reminded that I am loved, completely as I am. Nothing can separate me from that because Jesus took all the pain and the sin when he gave up his life for mine and yours.
When Jesus died he finished it all. When you're being told you're a loser, he's telling you you're a winner. When you hear nothing but insults and words of worthlessness, that you'll never amount to anything, that you're not good enough or you're the reason for everything bad in the world, Jesus is saying you're loved beyond measure, that you are precious and that by God's grace you are loved unconditionally. That he will always love you when nobody else will.
Instead of listening to what the world tells me I start listening to what God tells me and I start to find peace. I start focusing on him only. Even though I maybe hurting and my heart will be heavy, there is hope even through the disappointments that life puts on us.
I was once told that believing in Jesus was crazy, that those who do have faith are weak because they need something. I have found that if it wasn't for Jesus I wouldn't be here. That is strength. I would have given up many times over, but I'm still here because of the strength it gives me ro carry on fighting.
So what do I fight for. I fight for life, for hope, for seeing it through, for those moments when I come out of the storm and rest , I fight for my loved ones and for my faith so that nobody can say I failed, that the madness of the world beat her in the end. I fight so I can survive the traumas that so many of us experience far to often.
The Depression lifts and I live to fight another day, to laugh, to appreciate and to share with others. That darkness turns into something beautiful and my heart hurts a little less and I thank God for his faithfulness, his father's heart and his son Jesus.
Light takes the darkness away doesn't it.